“Three Blades” is a feature that weareallbeards.com publishes wherein we invite different members of the community to share three tips/tricks/tales about what it is like to be a hirsute hero in an age of naked chins.
For our second installment, we snagged city engineer Jose Dominguez to give us three “blades” of life with a beard
With Jose Dominguez
When I was a young boy in Puerto Rico, I dreamed of one day moving to a small city in the United States where its sparseness was rivaled only by its homogeneity. Granted, these were the feverish dreams of a sickly boy that had posters on the wall of Pedro Rodriguez (the famous engineer, not the Formula One racer). I was confident that one day I too would be a great engineer. I was also confident that my boyish, some would say coquettishly soft and pretty, features would make it more difficult to break into the “boy’s club” that is civil and city engineering. It was only when I saw a portrait of Roberto Cofresí y Ramírez de Arellano that I saw the solution to my problem. This man was revered, feared even. There, in his portrait was my salvation, his beard!
It was the beard that granted him power and authority over so many. It was the beard that made him a modern hero. Of course, I would learn years later that it was more likely his connection to the death of some several hundred people over a couple year span as a pirate that gained him respect, but I digress. So, I grew a beard. At first it was wispy, and instead of it making me look more masculine, it just made me look unclean. I would draw in with an eyeliner pencil more whiskers to trick the casual observer into thinking me more masculine than I was. Sadly, many saw right through it, and I was henceforth known as “eyeliner beard face” (I admit people were not trying very hard).
Eventually, my beard came in a little thicker, and I owe a lot of what I have today to it. I still have that poster of Pedro Rodriguez in my office, and that blood thirsty pirate Roberto Cofresí y Ramírez de Arellano is the wallpaper on my computer at work. My first tip to all men out there trying to have their best beard possible, use an eyeliner pencil to make it look thicker than it is. I still do it to this day. Next time you see me, look really close, you will be able to tell. Let’s just keep it our little secret, deal?
When my wife and I took our dream second honeymoon to Pierre, SD, I was worried that without all of my products, maintaining my “chin chinchilla” (as the Mrs. affectionately calls it) would be near impossible. Thankfully, I was able to procure a travel bottle of Beard Band Beard Brand Beard Oil from a local supplier. Since it is such a sought after product, they thankfully ship it in an old ExtenZe shipping box, so when it sat in the entrance to City Hall all day, I did not have to worry about someone swiping it. I do however think several people may have secretly known what was in it because I was getting strange looks all day; chalk that up to jealousy.
Pierre was magical. We got wind of a gin distillery that gave tours. It turned out to be an abandoned warehouse that some squatters were using illegally to make bathtub gin of really low quality. I only gave them two stars on Yelp, but gin is gin. Here is my second tip: alcohol dehydrates you, Pierre bathtub gin straight up wrecks your skin (I got two tetanus shots after my trip just to be safe. Admittedly, that is only tangentially related). If you want to keep your beard looking its best, you really should use moisturizer as often as possible. Again, I use Beard Band Beard Brand Beard moisturizer. It is hard to get a hold of, but they ship it in a Cialis box so that nobody will swipe it; man are my coworkers jealous.
Finalmente, una barba es esencialmente grasa y proteína. Es importante que usted tome en grandes cantidades de ambos. Ignorar el consejo de los médicos, amigos y familiares y consumir tantos alimentos grasos como puedas. Hay una buena probabilidad de que esto causará estragos en su vesícula biliar, pero hemos evolucionado más allá del punto de necesitar uno de ellos y la cirugía tiene sólo una tasa de mortalidad de .7 – 2%. Le prometo que su barba nunca se verá mejor una vez que limpie todas las migas y la mayonesa que más que probablemente se han secado en grupos en varios parches alrededor de su boca.
Viva La Beard,