“Three Blades” is a new feature that weareallbeards.com will be publishing wherein we invite different members of the community to share three tips/tricks/tales about what it is like to be a hirsute hero in an age of naked chins.
First up, we were lucky enough to snag local biology professor, drummer, and fruit enthusiast Jeff Wesner to share a little about his life with a beard.
Ice Cream Cones and Facial Follicles
By Jeff Wesner
The first thing most people ask me is how I keep my beard looking so healthy. I find this rather odd since I can’t recall a time I asked a perfect stranger for grooming tips, maybe it’s my crippling shyness. Usually, my arm is left extended with an unshaken hand as the anonymous citizen waits eagerly for me to respond. Admittedly, my beard is closer to art than the common chin whiskers of the traveling train yard hobo, but the answer to their initial question is quite simple; I use Beards Band Beard Brand Beard Oil, or B5O for short. When they ask where they can get it, I tell them “You can’t” and then walk away while maintaining eye contact.
Those audacious enough (Note: I am referring to the 2nd definition of audacious meaning “with a lack of respect.”) to follow up usually ask if they can feel, and even smell, my beard. Of course, due to my incessant need to please others, I let them. See, B5O (Which uninterestingly enough would have a Molar mass of 70.0544 g/mol) is specially made for very exclusive people, and each batch has a slightly different make up of carrier and essential oils. My latest was a mix of sour cherries and a concoction named “happiness.” The sour cherries remind me of my home in Oklahoma; the “happiness” helps me forget about my paralyzing fear of dying alone.
The next most common thing people come up and say to me is, “Is everything okay, you look like you’ve been crying?” The third most common thing is, “Mr. Wesner, our lawyers have made it clear to you that the ban is for ALL Arby’s restaurants.” However, the fourth most common thing people say to me is, “It’s hard enough eating an ice cream cone without a beard, how do you eat one without making a mess?” I usually respond by asking why they have trouble eating an ice cream cone since they said “It’s hard enough.” I am genuinely intrigued by the idea that there are people who have a difficult time eating an ice cream cone. My daughters could do it. They don’t because we only drink Quinoa Milk and that stuff is borderline inedible, and I can’t imagine it would get any better once frozen, but you get the point.
Also, I am realizing that it may come across as sexist for me to say that something is easy simply because a girl can do it. That is not what I am saying. I am simply trying to say that even very young children can eat an ice cream cone, regardless of the biological sex or gender identity. Of course, now I am worried that I am being an ageist because I am saying if a young person can do something than everyone should be able to. That is not it at all, I promise. Sorry, I am losing my train of thought. I think what I am trying to say is that no matter who you are, whatever your age, whatever your gender, whatever your anything, I think everyone can agree that Quinoa Milk is disgusting? I think that’s right. Oh, and use napkins to wipe the ice cream off your beard between bites. Is that really something someone has to tell you?
Finally, here is a grooming tip that I developed on my own. One of the most irritating things about having a beard is keeping it out of your mouth when eating. So many things that are not eaten with silverware end up shoving in the longer strands of facial hair from around your mouth. Most people will tell you to use a hair scissors a few times a week to cut back the area immediately around your mouth and you won’t have any trouble. To this I say, balderdash. First, who has a hair scissors? I get my hair cut at Walmart like a good American. Second, there is a much easier way.
What you need to do is grab large patches of your beard from really anywhere on your face and twirl it into a cone shape where the point is between your fingers. Then, pull the point of the cone of beard hair towards your mouth. If the point reaches your mouth, put it in your mouth and start chewing on it. Make sure that you really go to town on it. Chew through all the whiskers until nothing reaches your mouth anymore. Move on to the next patch and the next patch until you no longer have any hair that can reach your mouth. Problem solved! If you want to check out how you look, I have always found the lighting in most Arby’s bathrooms to be spectacular.