Publish or perish is a thing people say, right? I have no idea, but I do know websites need to throw as much stuff up there as possible or people lose interest, fast. So, here is part two of weareallbeards.com’s (WAAB) interview with member(s) of South Dakota’s own The Beards. We are skipping ahead a little in the interview from last time.
WAAB: Alright Joe, let’s move on (This time Joe just gets up and sprints for the door. Jake Kerby, lead guitarist, happens to be sitting in our waiting room). Jake! Can I get a word with you?!
Enter Jake Kerby… with a snake.
Jake: (To the sprinting, and clearly dangerously out of shape singer) Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that gun of yours? (Singing to the Jimi Hendrix tune and wildly thrashing on air guitar for an extended period of time. Eventually, Jake goes through the whole mime act of lighting the guitar on fire and watching it burn. It takes nearly seventeen minutes).
Jake: (to no one in particular) Joe looks up with a feigned smile, then exits the room while others stare in a hushed awe.
WAAB: Sorry, what was that?
Jake: I’m trying out this new thing where I am the world’s voice over. I imagine you will want to use a different font for my helpful and witty observations so the dullards you count among your readers can follow along… he said in a sexy baritone.
WAAB: Okay, we can do that.
Jake: And make sure you go back to the first thing I said and change that too.
Jake: You’re not going to go back, are you?
WAAB: If we have time, but probably not.
Jake: Please don’t use comic sans either. It will make me sound stupid.
Jake: You were using comic sans, weren’t you.
WAAB: We were, but we’ll change it from here. Moving on.
Jake: Oh, fun. Where are we going?
WAAB: I just mean… nevermind. Let’s just stay here. Would you mind finishing the interview for us?
Jake: Sure thing, where is the camera? You are only allowed to film at forty degrees off center to my left side.
WAAB: No camera, just me.
Jake: I know a camera guy, want me to call him?
WAAB: That’s okay.
Jake: But where did the pictures of Joe come from?
WAAB: Those were pictures he took of himself and gave to us.
Jake: Oh, I’ll send you some then.
WAAB: Really, don’t bother. Also, how do you know we have pictures to go with his interview? This won’t be posted until, at the earliest, tomorrow.
Jake: Jake sits back and lets the full weight of his genius sink in.
Editor’s Note: At this time Jake handed us an 8-track tape and insisted we play it at full volume for the remainder of the interview. It was really aggressive polka music, and it made some of the interactions with Mr. Kerby difficult to hear.
WAAB: My first question is simply- is Joe OK?
Jake: Joe? He’s great, most creative guy I have ever met. Has little tolerance for certain questions- that is unless he is being paid to tolerate them.
WAAB: Being paid?
Jake: Joe and I are educators, we are in the business of sculpting young minds- it is part of our job to tolerate certain questions. Jake nailed the answer, it was clear the journalist had no idea what he meant by certain questions.
WAAB: I thought that there are no stupid questions?
Jake: But, see, I said certain questions.
WAAB: Right, but I think it’s clear you mean…
Jake: Certain questions.
WAAB: So, stupid questions.
Jake: Your words. He said in a convincing manner that moved the interview on to more important things.
WAAB: Are you going to keep changing tenses in your voice over? It might get confusing for the reader.
Jake: You might get confusing for the reader. (long pause)
WAAB: Anyway, why then do people say “there are no stupid questions”.
Jake: Well, that’s what people say when they are tolerating certain questions…
WAAB: Ok, no stupid questions, I promise. Joe seemed to have a hard time communicating with us- is he some sort of music savant?
Jake: (under his breath) He asked stupidly.
Jake: Look, here’s the thing. Joe only really listens to me, or anyone really, when they sing to him. I think you would have had much better luck singing your questions to him.
Jake: I picked it up pretty early. I never felt he was listening to me except when I was singing. We had to do some early editing of the lyrics because the original lines in “Mistake” were like “what chords are you playing?” And, “who starts this song.” Not great lyrics, but it helped the band.
WAAB: I am sorry, but I can’t help but be a little distracted by that snake you are holding. Is it poisonous?
Jake: There are no stupid questions…
Jake: Yes, you are. Jake totally burned the overmatched journalist. Jake then seamlessly transitioned back into his answer. This is not a poisonous snake, because snakes are not poisonous, but venomous. You bite poisonous things, venomous things bite you. And, no, this is a Common Garter Snake, Thamnophis sirtalis.
WAAB: A buddy of mine had a pet gardener snake.
Jake: (Sighs) Am I getting paid for this interview?
WAAB: No, but just a few more quick questions- and I promise, no stupid ones.
Jake: Jake repeated in a calming voice his mantra with a reassuring smile; there are no stupid questions. There are no stupid questions.
WAAB: So you appear to have a very successful career in biology. You have brought in over a million dollars in grant money, and published over 50 papers, and I recently saw from the USD website your lab was featured for its research. How do you balance all this with a music career?
Jake: I also won the Belbas Larson award.
WAAB: Sorry, what was that?
Jake: Belbas Larson.
WAAB: Right, Belbas Larson. (At his point, Jake furiously tapped on a piece of paper he was holding that I later would find out was his CV)
Jake: Jake angrily whispered through cupped hands; Make it sound natural or this interview is over!
WAAB: (reading) Oh yes, the University of South Dakota’s top award for teaching excellence.
Jake: He said with the presence and magnetism of a Folivora.
Jake: I also won the Cutler award…
WAAB: Right, the award named for famed Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler.
Jake: Slowly and menacingly L…O…L (jabbing at the paper again)
WAAB: Right, I mean the top award in the College of Arts and Sciences for Teaching and Research.
Jake: And the President’s Research award… but, I actually lost that.
WAAB: So, you were nominated, but you didn’t actually win. That’s big of you to not only discuss your triumphs. I think fans will like to see some humility.
Jake: I’m actually really humble. Probably the most humble guy you ever met. He said humbly, almost presidential.
WAAB: Right…I’m just saying it’s nice to hear about something you didn’t win.
Jake: No, it’s not that. I did win. I just have so many awards; I don’t have any idea where I put it.
WAAB: Right, right. I mean, that’s probably a thing. Any other awards you care to tell us about?
Jake: Number one Dad as voted on by the Kerby household.
WAAB: Anything else?
Jake: I won a spelling bee in 4th grade.
WAAB: Anything else?
Jake: I’m pretty good at checkers.
WAAB: One more?
Jake: I once skipped a rock thirteen times.
Jake: Okay, it was twelve. You happy now?
WAAB: I haven’t been happy for a long time. Anything else?
Jake: I mean, I don’t like to brag.
WAAB: Are you sure?
Jake: Okay, well- last year we won the Best Float in the D-Days parade!
WAAB: Did that float feature any music?
Jake: He asked desperately trying to get the interview back on track even though it was his own tangential line of questioning that brought them to the place they were at. No, but we had turtles and snakes on it!
WAAB: Any poisonous snakes?
Jake: Were you a communications major?
WAAB: OK, well one final question. What is your motivation as a musician to write such great songs?
Jake: Our fan.
WAAB: You mean fans?
Jake: I wish…No, I mean Jose. He seems really into the music.
WAAB: But you seem to have a really big local following- you must know you have more than one fan.
Jake: Perhaps, but they don’t get it like Jose does. And, can I just say, you better make sure that when you print this “interview” you make sure to put that thing above the “e” in Jose’s name.
WAAB: The diacritical mark?
Jake: I should straight up slap your face.
WAAB: Also, what is up with this band and the strange use of air quotes?
Jake: I’m not sure I understand your question.
WAAB: Fine, we’ll add the mark from this point on. Back to the questions, who is this José?
Jake: José is that part of your brain that connects with the musical ether. That feeling when you just enter into another space and everything else falls away. It is the Nirvana that Kurt Cobain was reaching for.
WAAB: So José is an idea, a feeling really, not a real person?
Jake: No, he is real. He is the city engineer.
WAAB: Ok, I think I got what I need.
Jake: Just direct me to the photo shoot room so we can include some stills with this snake. I assume there is some award for outstanding achievement in being interviewed? Jake exited the small cramped offices as every eye was glued to him. His presence permeated the room like the bitter musk of an aardvark.
Thus concludes part two of our ongoing interview with The Beards. Thanks to staff writer Dennis Marsch for jumping on the grenade that was interviewing Jake Kerby.